Some familiar faces
by IlliterateGuy
Summary: A bunch of Shinigami in the living world. They act normally, but somehow, it seems out of place. Chapter 8! Karin and Yuzu have a new substitute teacher! And he's teaching Sex Ed!
1. Friends at school

**Intro: **A story on Shinigami who come into the real world. It was conceived ages ago, (before the event actually happened in the manga), so the details aren't going to be that accurate. The main group here is Rukia, Renji, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto and Hinamori. But other characters will make their appearances, in their strange positions within the real world.

**Disclaimer: **Bleach. Not. Mine.

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_Dammit, why do I still have to go to school? _It had been 5 days since Ichigo had his butt kicked by the strange half Hollow, half Shinigami creature, and Urahara had come in with his annoying voice and saved the day. The teen's body was still swathed in bandages, and it hurt when he moved. But Yuzu had insisted he go to school, and she had won both Karin and Isshin over to her side, so it would be pointless to resist. The last time he had tried to escape going to school, it had been before he had met Rukia…

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"IIIIIIIIIIIIICHIGO!" The all-too-familiar screech of the hyperactive Kurosaki Isshin could be heard throughout the house. "GET UP ICHIGO! YOU'RE GOING TO-" A foot landed in the overexcited father's stomach. 

"No… I'm not. I don't feel that well."

"Nonsense! My little Yuzu thinks you're all better now, and that means you are! Plus, no one who's too sick to go to school could have kicked me like that, with such style, with such a flowing gracefulness…"

"Shut up before I kick you again."

"I'll be back up in 10 minutes!" The crazy parent left the room, singing happily to himself while Ichigo watched his retreating back with a look that said _"How the hell am I related to that guy?"_.

Ten minutes later, Isshin was back. "IIIIIICHIGO! TIME TO GET UP YOU LAZY BUM! REMEMBER, YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL NO MATTER WHAT!"

Only by shouting back, could Ichigo made himself heard "HELL NO OLD MAN! I'M NOT GOING DAMMIT!"

"YES YOU ARE!" Without warning, the strange Kurosaki reached out and grabbed a hold of Ichigo's legs.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YO THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

"If Ichigo won't come to school, I'll have to force him." Ichigo sweatdropped as Isshin began pulling.

"YOU'RE GOING TO DRAG ME BY THE LEGS ALL THE WAY TO SCHOOL?"

"Yes! Since Ichigo won't go by himself, it's the only way to show my fatherly affection for you!"

"YOU'RE INSANE! THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO DO THIS!" Struggling as hard as he could, he tried to break free, but his father had a surprisingly strong grip, and pulled him out of the room determinedly. Karin and Yuzu looked in surprise as their father dragged their brother down the stairs, bumping him purposely on each step as he did so. "STOP IT YOU CRAZY OLD MAN! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE- OUCH!"

And so it continued in this fashion, Ichigo struggling, screaming to be released, while Isshin stalked off determinedly, dragging his son to school by the legs. An hour later, they arrived at the school, which would have taken about 10 minutes to walk to normally, but due to the circumstances, they had come a bit late. "Kurosaki-kun… why are you being carried to school by your father? Aren't your legs feeling well?"

"I-I-Inoue-san! I uh… Uh…" Ichigo tried to find an appropriate answer as far from the truth as possible, but his father beat him to it.

"He was being a naughty boy, so I had to drag him to school. And HELLOOOO there…" Isshin had just caught sight of Inoue's large… upstairs. His eyes went all googly as drool descended from his gaping mouth. "You should come over to the Kurosaki Clinic sometime, I'm sure we could-"

A punch sent him flying across entrance of the school. "You are NOT going to hit on my school friends, you lecherous bastard!"

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He was sure that this time, if he tried to resist, things would be no different. Grudgingly, he dragged himself to school, and when he reached his classroom, he looked in surprise. The usually tight classroom was even smaller now, or so it seemed, for half a dozen or so desks had just been stuffed in to the already tight space. "What the hell?" 

"Kurosaki-kun!" Inoue called out and waved to the bandaged boy. She too was heavily bandaged it appeared, but it didn't stop her from waving frantically to him.

"Inoue, Heya. You know why there are so many extra desks all of a sudden?"

Before the girl could answer, the teacher's voice came from behind Ichigo. "That would be because, Kurosaki-san, we have 5 new students joining our midst today, one of them I believe you know." _I… know? _"Today we are going to have 5 new students joining us, who had to transfer from another school, after it was destroyed in a fire." The class looked around expectantly, but could see no new faces. "They should be here in a few minutes…" The teacher seemed a touch impatient, after all, she loved order and punctuality. Ichigo thought he heard footsteps approaching, and could also hear voices, which were having a very… interesting conversation.

"Hey… which classroom was it again?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"Didn't you have a memo with you when we left? Baka."

"It… uh… disappeared."

"Disa-What do you mean it disappeared?"

"You know, I mean… Poof! It's gone, I can't find it."

"Oh my god. You're such a dumbass."

"Hey, it's not all that bad, we could just search for his spirit energy." _Spirit energy? What are they talking about?_ Ichigo's mind was racing… at the approximate speed of a snail, but that was irrelevant. The relevant part was that these newcomers were talking about spirit energy. _Who the hell are they?_

"We need to act normal and quiet so as not to attract attention!"

"Shhhh…"

"Shhhh yourself."

"Alright, this is the one, go on, open the door."

The door slid open and Ichigo found himself staring at a group of all-too-familiar faces. "Yo! How ya been, Ichigo?"

"Renji! Rangiku-san? Momo-san?" He also noticed a tuft of white hair below his eye level. "Toushirou!"

"It's… Hitsugaya-taichou." His reply was in a tone that sounded bored, as usual.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?"

"Orders from higher up. We're being stationed here to help prepare for the war against the Arankuru."

"Aran-what?" Ichigo was struggling to come to terms with the highly difficult word.

"Those things that fully thrashed your ass, idiot."

The teacher felt she must interfere. This talk of 'Arankuru' was confusing her, she had never heard of the term before, and she had received 4 years of tertiary education. "Excuse me, but weren't there meant to be five of you transferring here? One of whom was-" Renji pointed behind her, and Ichigo turned around in shock when a loud voice hailed him.

"Oi! Ichigo. Long time no see."

"Rukia…?"

"Ah… there we go… Kuchiki-san, welcome back to our class. We have all missed you. Now, it is customary for all our new students to introduce themselves, tell us a bit about yourself, and one of you can explain about your old school. Abarai-san, you start off."

The redhead struggled to remember what he had learnt about their 'school'. "Uh… we came from the uh… what was it called? Shiniga-" A sharp elbow attacked his ribs. "Ow! What was that for?" He glared at the white haired boy beside him, who looked quite strange in a shirt and tie, rather than his captain robes.

"Baka You're messing everything up. Let me do the talking, at least I remember all that fake crap we were _supposed _learn before coming here." This was said in barely a whisper, so that none but Renji heard it. Clearing his throat, Hitsugaya took over in the introduction.

"We came from The Japan Co-ed School. It was a pretty small school, so not many people may have heard of it, but it was destroyed by fire recently, and we had to all transfer to other schools. I'm Hitsugaya Toushirou, this is Hinamori Momo, Matsumoto Rangiku, and Abarai Renji. I believe you already know Kuchiki Rukia."

"Yes… thank you, Hitsugaya-san." The new students took their places, and the rest of the day went on.

At lunch, there was quite a bit of confusion. "Oi… Ichigo! Where does a guy get his food around here?"

"Now who's the dumbass Renji? You gotta bring your own stuff from home!"

"What the hell, don't they have like, kitchens? Where we can just go in and take whatever food you want?"

"This isn't Soul Society you idiot, you'd have to at least pay for your food." Meanwhile, Hitsugaya, Hinamori and Matsumoto were off to one side, sharing a small picnic lunch while Renji argued with Ichigo. Rukia had gone off to meet with her old friends. Suddenly, the redhead noticed the food that the captain and 2 vice-captains were wolfing down.

"Oi… Hitsugaya! Where'd you get that grub?" He wilted under the boy's icy glare.

"We may not be in Soul Society, but it's still Hitsugaya-taichou to you, Renji."

"Gah… so particular about it, anyway, I can't go around calling you captain! Even I know that isn't normal for humans. Anyway, back to the real important question, where'd you get all that food?"

"We brought it back from our house Abarai-kun." Hinamori was munching on a bun as she said this, but the meaning wasn't lost on the redheaded boy.

"What? How come no one told me this?"

"Because you were too busy losing that memo I guess, dumbass." Renji glared at the white haired boy, but Hitsugaya didn't even flinch. _How the hell do Matsumoto and Hinamori put up with that kid? I'd die if he was my captain…_

"House…? You guys actually have a place to live?"

"Well yeah. It'd be pointless to not have a place to live, and too difficult to go back to Soul Society every night. We rented this large place from some old guy on holiday. It fits all of us."

"Well, you don't need that big a place to house 5 people."

"No Kurosaki-kun, there's more! We aren't the only ones who came to Earth."

Ichigo was drinking his cola as he heard this comment from the 5th Division vice-captain, and instantly sprayed it all out, unfortunately, onto Hitsugaya. "What? There are more of you?"

"Of course. You're even thicker than Renji." The white haired captain looked at his clothes in dismay as they were now stained with a dark liquid. "Friggin hell, you're clumsier than Renji as well."

As Hitsugaya went off in search of a bathroom to clean himself up, with Ichigo and Renji accompanying him, the gluttonous Matsumoto took the opportunity to try to devour the rest of the food. She only stopped when a worried Hinamori tapped her on the shoulder. "Mmmm?" was all she could manage with a mouth full of food.

"Um… Rangiku-san, why is there a crowd of boys surrounding us and staring?" Matsumoto turned, and found that this was true. A large group of boys had gathered, some were drooling as their eyes found the giant twin peaks of Mt. Matsumoto, others were looking for pieces of paper to scribble their telephone number on. Matsumoto, however, seemed oblivious to the truth.

"Nee… I'm sure they're just interested, seeing as how we're new and all, I wouldn't worry about them trying to take the food Hinamori. Help me eat it already." Hinamori felt kinda uncomfortable about eating in the presence of so many infatuated boys, but Rangiku had said it was fine, right? They had nothing to worry about. Anyway, Shirou-chan should be back any minute now, and he'd protect her no matter what. She was nibbling on another bun, when she gave a small shriek. A boy that she recognized from her new class, the one called Mizuiro had just stumbled across and landed in her lap.

"EEEEEEK!" Her shriek was shrill, piercing the air. In a few seconds, Hitsugaya came running up, ploughing straight through a few kids on the way. He glared at the boy who lay in Hinamori's lap, his eyes closed and a look of content on his face.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Hitsugaya's voice was icy cold. Matsumoto recognized the danger signs, and backed away slowly, motioning for Renji and Ichigo to do the same. When Mizuiro didn't answer, Hitsugaya began glowing with a powerful aura, an aura that radiated the deepest chill anyone had ever felt. The surrounding boys screamed and ran for their lives, shrieking about 'scary little kids' and 'freakish powers' Hitsugaya reached for his sword, but found nothing. _Dammit, why'd they have to ban us from carrying our zanpakutou in the living world? Hyourinmaru would make mince meat out of him._ Mizuiro finally seemed to jerk from his wild fantasy, and stared at Hitsugaya, who was getting colder and scarier by the second. Screeching, the boy ran away, creating a trail of dust behind him as he did. Hitsugaya calmed down, and as he did, the weather returned to normal, no more snow fell on the ground around him.

"Hinamori, are you alright?" Hitsugaya's voice was full of concern.

"Um… think so Shirou-chan."

"Good. If he did anything to you, tell me and he won't be coming to class anymore."

A look of confusion came over Hinamori's face. "Why Shirou-chan? Would you tell on him if he did something to me? Is that why he won't come to class?"

Shaking his head, Hitsugaya replied softly. "Baka… of course not. It'd be much more permanent, but don't worry about it."

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**Stuff: **Yes... well there you go. More to come, and introduction of other characters of course. 


	2. The Subway

**Intro: **Here we go. What's going to happen when our bunch of Shinigami try to tackle the subway? Read on to find out. This is quite an interesting chapter. I found it quite funny as I wrote it, so hopefully it has the same effect on you guys. This chapter, well, I was planning to bring in Zaraki Kenpachi in this chapter, but I decided that it would probably be better to link his area with these 5 guys somehow, so the group at school are going to meet Zaraki. Where? You won't find out, yet. Anyway, this is sorta based on my own experience when I went on the Tokyo Subway when I went to Japan. It was quite hectic. Took about 5 minutes to find a place on the map, it was so confusing, me not knowing that much Japanese and all... So anyway, here we go. Chapter 2.

**Disclaimer: **The usual stuff.

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"Oi! Ichigo! Get over here! It's an emergency!" The orange haired teen sprinted over to the small group, who were surrounding Kuchiki Rukia. The black haired girl screamed at him again. "HURRY UP DAMMIT!" When Ichigo finally reached the small crowd of Rukia, Renji, Rangiku, Hinamori and Hitsugaya, he was panting heavily. 

"WHAT THE HELL IS IT!" Ichigo barked angrily, he had just been in a very grueling game of arm wrestling with Tatsuki, and he had been winning, but only just. Another hour or so and he'd have beaten her. Rukia pointed to the object in her hand. A juice popper. "What the hell! You got me over here to look at your juice?"

"No, she got you over here so that we can stare at your ugly mug from close up." The indifferent voice of Hitsugaya Toushirou answered, a tone of impatience in it. "She told you get your ass over here to show us how to use these confounded contraptions, friggin numbskull."

"What?"

"Rukia-san was trying to show us how to use these drink-containers, but she forgot how you were supposed to consume the contents." Ichigo stared blankly at Hinamori.

"You forgot how to do something that simple? And you…" He smirked at Hitsugaya. "You're a genius and you couldn't figure out how to drink from a juice box?" His smirk disappeared when Hitsugaya delivered a punch to his gut, replaced by a look of agony.

"Shirou-chan! Why'd you do that?"

"He deserved it. And don't call me Shirou-chan!"

"But… you always let me do it when we're together in your-" Hinamori was cut short as Hitsugaya clapped a hand over her mouth, his cheeks turning a fiery red.

"Baka… don't say anything about that!" he muttered softly in her ear.

"SQUEEEEE!" Rangiku squealed and bent down to put her head on Hitsugaya's shoulder. "Taichou… is this something you haven't been telling me?" She grinned evilly at him, and he pushed her head off his shoulder.

"No. There isn't. Get your fat head off my shoulder, Matsumoto. Back to the point… Ichigo, show us how to use this thing already, I'm getting thirsty."

Ichigo sighed, painfully going through the process of showing the group of Shinigami how to jab the straw through the hole, so that the container of beverage would be unlocked. Hitsugaya got it on the first try. Ichigo stared. "How come you didn't think of that in the first place?" The others were still trying to get their straw through properly.

"I've been told I shouldn't stab things without a reason. Anyway, I thought you people were smarter, and had some other way of doing it. Shoving the straw in seemed too primitive." After a couple more tries, the three girls managed the difficult feat.

"Look Shirou-chan! I did it." Hitsugaya was busily sucking on his straw and didn't deign himself to answer, but Hinamori shoved the juice in his face and kept exclaiming that she had managed it until he had to respond.

"Yay. That's great Hinamori. Now can I get on with my drink?"

Meanwhile, Renji was still having some trouble with it. The 6th Division vice-captain, while adept at all other sorts of fighting and acrobatic abilities, seemed unable to pierce the small hole with the straw. Ichigo couldn't help laughing as he saw the redhead try in vain to make the thing work, and it was this laughter that attracted another person, Orihime Inoue. "Abarai-kun, what are you doing?"

Renji opened his mouth to answer, but Ichigo beat him to it. "He's trying to have a drink."

"Oh? Aiyah Abarai-kun, you won't get a drink unless you open the juice. Here!" With a big smile on her face, she grabbed the popper from the uncoordinated redhead and shoved the straw in for him.

"Uh... thanks Inoue."

"Hey, Ichigo, Inoue, we've got to go meet up with Zaraki later today. Could you-" Ichigo cutthe white-haired boy's question short.

"Nuh-uh. No way. Hell's gonna freeze over before I go to see that maniac."

"I was going to ask you if you could tell us how to get there by the subway." A glint appeared in his eyes as a mischievous grin came over his face, quite rare for the 10th Division Captain. "However… if you really want to go see him that much, I could freeze hell for you…"

Rangiku interrupted before Ichigo could start a fight with her captain. "Inoue-san, what about you?"

The girl shook her head. "Sorry Matsumoto-san, but I've never taken the train. Kurosaki-kun says it's really dangerous though. There are scary creatures that haunt every corner, and people who run after you drooling with bloodshot eyes. At least that's what Kurosaki-kun says. You really shouldn't go there, I mean, not if Kurosaki-kun isn't going to be there to protect you and-"

This time it was Ichigo's turn to clap his hand over her mouth. Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm sure that we'll be safe enough Inoue. We need to get to…" He pulled out a sheet of paper with an untidy scrawl on it that looked remarkably like it was written in blood.

Ichigo looked at the address and said thoughtfully. "Well… you'll need to take the train to Karakura station, then you can walk to this place. What is it anyway? Some sort of slaughterhouse?"

Hitsugaya shrugged. "We weren't told where the others would be sent, just that we should meet up with them every now and then. I dunno how Zaraki knew where we were though, maybe he got told by Yamamoto or something."

After school ended, the group split up. Ichigo walked home by himself, while Inoue walked off with Tatsuki. The rest of the group headed towards the train station near their school. Hitsugaya lead the way, while the other 4 trooped along behind him. After taking 10 minutes to try and reach the station, Hinamori decided to take a stand. "Shirou-chan… are you sure we're going the right way?"

Renji couldn't help adding. "Yeah Shirou-chan, it can't take 10 minutes to reach this place, it's a 2 minute walk from the school, and we've been going pretty quickly." He stopped abruptly when Hitsugaya turned to face him, his eyes full of ice. Renji whimpered and hid behind a startled Rukia, who was hardly tall enough to hide the tuft of red hair that stood up in a shock behind her. Hitsugaya marched over to the cowering Renji, and grabbed a handful of his hair.

"You do that again, and Kuchiki Byakuya will have to find himself a new vice-captain. Got it?" Rukia felt herself shivering as Hitsugaya gave his message to the loudmouthed Renji. Renji nodded furiously, and Hitsugaya let go. Renji breathed a sigh of relief, glad to get the captain to release his beautiful hair. He fingered it carefully, trying to make sure there were no split ends after the insanely rough treatment it had just suffered. Upon finding nothing was wrong, he waited for the others to pass before following the captain. He wanted to put as much distance between him and the Ice Prince as possible.

-

"Oi! You there! Short kid with the white hair! Stop that now and get your ass over here!" Hitsugaya didn't seem to hear, or he didn't realize that he was being spoken to, yelled at more like. Hinamori poked him in the ribs.

"That man over there is calling you Shirou-chan." Hitsugaya looked up at the man, scowling. It was bad enough that this twisted piece of machinery wouldn't let him through, but now some random man was calling for him? Hitsugaya and co. had arrived at the train station, finally, after 20 minutes of walking around. As it turned out, the term 'subway' meant that they had to take the stairs underground. They had passed the actual entrance a dozen times, but it never occurred to the others that they were supposed to go underground. Then it had only gotten worse. When the reached the main part of the station, the group found themselves swamped by businessmen who seemed to be in a hurry to get nowhere.

"Where the hell are all of these guys going? Rukia? You were in this world before, you know?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know Renji? I was sorta trying to keep a low profile while I was here, I basically went from Ichigo's house to school and back, occasionally going to Urahara's store. I never came down here to this urban jungle!"

Rangiku tried to pacify the two, who were glaring at each other. "Calm down, both of you! We need to try and get through this crowd and reach the train!"

After about 5 minutes, they decided to stop waiting for the people to rush past them and started to push. "MOVE IT! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! BUNCH OF PEOPLE COMING THROUGH!" Hitsugaya tried to push through, but didn't make much progress against the flow of businessmen and women. Renji had another plan.

"OI! EVERYONE! HOT CHICK RIGHT HERE!" It had the desired effect, every guy in the station turned to stare at Matsumoto, who chuckled uneasily, and ran ahead. "Now that half of them have stopped moving, let's go!" The group moved forward once more, but soon met another obstacle.

Hitsugaya tried to push the strange little gate open, but it didn't budge. "What the hell? Why won't this thing open? Aren't we allowed to go in?" He started hitting the gate, trying to make it open or something.

Hinamori leaned over the fuming kid and stared at the symbol on the machine. It showed a red circle, with a white horizontal line in the middle of it. Screwing up her face, she tried to remember what that symbol meant. She knew she had seen it somewhere before, when they had taken a short 2 day course on Living World Lifestyle. But hard as she tried, she couldn't remember what the strange insignia meant. It was Rangiku who found the answer. She crouched down next to Hinamori, staring at the printing next to the sign. "N-o E-n-t-r-y." It suddenly dawned on the blonde beauty. "Oh! This is the wrong way! We need to find a gate that doesn't have 'No Entry' on it!" Hitsugaya and Hinamori straightened themselves and stopped their respective activities.

A voice hailed them. "Over here, Hitsugaya-taichou." Rukia had found a pair of gates that had a green arrow on them, pointing inside.

Hitsugaya couldn't help remarking to Hinamori as they walked over to the gates. "See? That's what _you _should call _me._"

Hinamori smiled. "Why Shirou-chan?" Hitsugaya gave up, she was just too dense at times like these. Hinamori's smile faltered when Hitsugaya tried to go through the gate again. Once again, it rejected him totally.

"What the hell is with these human inventions!" Hitsugaya was really losing his temper now, these stupid people just didn't seem to make anything that worked properly. In Soul Society, they didn't have this problem, doors opened easily, or didn't have them in the first place. He began kicking the confounded contraption, wishing heartily that he had his soul cutter with him, cursing under his breath. Hinamori was shocked.

"Shirou-chan! Where'd you learn such bad language!" Hitsugaya didn't even bother to reply.

"Oi! Shrimp! Get over here now! And bring your little gang over here as well!" Hitsugaya sighed, the man was getting impatient, and so he might as well go over and see what the fuss was about. There was also the little matter of maiming for calling him 'shrimp', but that could always wait. They had to figure out how to get on the blasted train first, or Zaraki would have a fit and start ripping things apart, like bodies. He walked over to the guard's little room, standing on his tiptoes to reach over the window.

"What is it?"

The man scrutinized the short white haired boy carefully. Was he really that dumb? "_What is it?_" He imitated Hitsugaya's tone mockingly. "I'll tell you what's wrong shortstuff, you're trying to break through the barrier!"

"Well, how else am I supposed to get through? It won't open dammit!"

"Yeah well, you've got to get a ticket dumbass!" There was complete silence after this. A ticket? They needed a ticket to get on the train? Hitsugaya turned to the others.

"Any of you know where to get a ticket?" He was met with blank stares. Ok, there was only one thing to do. He walked over to Matsumoto, and whispered something in his vice-captain's ear. Her eyes widened when she heard her orders.

"Taichou… do I have to…?" She whined, this wasn't fair, how come he didn't do it himself? Well, she knew the answer to that, it was obvious. Hitsugaya's face was devoid of emotion, and Matsumoto knew that it would be pointless to resist. Taking a deep breath, she walked over to the platform guard, carefully shaking her ass as she did so. "Hey there big boy…" The guard's eyes gleamed and drool was descending from his mouth. She leaned across the counter, giving the guy a clear view of her big'uns. "Hey… do you think that it would be alright if we, well, you let us through? I'm sure that my little brother didn't mean to upset you, he's just an annoying brat most of the time." Hitsugaya scowled. Matsumoto was going to pay for that comment. Hitsugaya made a mental note to make his next orders to her even more difficult.

The guard nodded dumbly. "S-s-sure…!" His eyes still hadn't strayed off Matsumoto's upper body. She winked at him before walking through the opened gate, with a stunned group of four Shinigami in her wake.

"Not bad Rangiku… Could I get that treatment sometime?" Renji winced as Rukia stomped on his foot, glaring at him.

Matsumoto was just glad it was over. As soon as she was out of sight of the daydreaming guard, she shuddered. "Don't –ever- make me do that again Taichou… I'm going to have nightmares for a while now."

Hitsugaya smirked. "At least nightmares will wake you up so you can do some work for once. Anyway, you'll probably have to do it when we get off the train as well, if there are guards at the entrance, there are probably guards at the exit as well."

Rukia ran ahead now, pulling Renji along with her as she went. "Look, the train's coming!" The others ran for it as well, only just making it on in time. The group boarded the train, and Hinamori sat at a window seat, marveling at the technology as the train whizzed through the subway system.

"This is so cool Shirou-chan! Look at that darkness whiz by! I wish they had better scenery though."

"Baka. It's an underground train. You're not supposed to go on it to enjoy the scenery." Meanwhile, Rukia and Renji were staring at some of the advertisements that were plastered all over the carriage.

"N-i-n-t-e-n-d-o. What's that Renji?"

"Beats me. Ask Ichigo. Looks like there's some fighting involved though…"

Matsumoto squealed as the train came to a stop at the next station, falling over as the momentum brought her to the floor. "Wheee! That was fun! You should try it some time Taichou." Hitsugaya didn't reply. "WHEEE!" She fell over again as the train started up again. "How many stations are there to go?"

Hitsugaya stared at the map with all its flashing lights. Who the hell would want to complicate a simple map so much with the scrolling lettering, flashing lights and computerized voce-overs? With his face screwed up with concentration, he figured it out. "5 more stations."

Matsumoto's face lit up. "That means uh… 8 more starts and stops!"

"Ten."

"Oh… well… 10 more starts and stops, even better!"

Renji bent down and whispered to Rukia. "Are we acting strangely Rukia?"

The black haired Shinigami shook her head. "I don't think so Renji, why do you ask?"

The redhead pointed around them. "This carriage was half full when we came on, it's now empty, and that old woman over there is backing away staring at Rangiku like she's mad." Rukia frowned. None of her previous experiences in the human world had included little old ladies backing away from attractive women who were squealing in delight over the trivial matters of catching the subway.

"Maybe it's just her, you get your oddballs every now and then." Renji nodded, only half convinced.

Finally the train reached its destination, and the 5 Shinigami alighted. Matsumoto was still reeling from the incredible experience she had just had. "Calm down a bit Matsumoto, remember, you have to be ready to 'be our ticket' so we can get out of the station." Matsumoto frowned, she had forgotten about that, in the bliss of riding the train.

"Fine… I'll do it. He'd better not drool this time though." The group ran up the stairs, with Matsumoto in the lead. She stopped dead though when they reached the top of the stairs. "No… way…" She said weakly, staring in horror at the scene in front of her. Hitsugaya, Renji and Rukia all tried to stifle their laughter and gave Matsumoto a sideways glance.

"So… uh… Rangiku, how exactly do you plan on… approaching the guard this time?" Renji wondered if the same tactic would work.

"Don't do anything too crazy, the guard might not let you go…" Rukia snickered.

"This will be… interesting." Hitsugaya stared at the small guard's office. Sitting inside of it, looking rather like a hawk watching for prey, keeping an eye out for people who might try to get past without paying, was the guard. It was almost exactly the same as when they had come into the station, everything was the same except for one small detail. This time, the guard was a female.

* * *

**Stuff: **There you have it. And... no... for all those who didn't want to see it happen (and all those who wanted it as well) Matsumoto ain't going to do her stuff for the female guard. 


	3. Shining Friendship

**Intro: **Hey.. another chapter. We finally get some new characters, Zaraki and Yachiru! Couldn't think of too much for them to do, but hopefully more will come later. This is just a short meeting, but they'll return at a later date.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach. Liek... dayum.

* * *

Matsumoto was staring in disbelief in the scene before her. When they had entered the train station, her wonderfully gifted chest area had served as their ticket, getting them past the drooling guard, but this time, there was no way it would work on a woman. She turned around and looked pleadingly at her captain. "Taichou…" She whined. "I can't do… that to her." Hitsugaya smiled smugly. He was looking forward to this performance, and there was no way she was getting out of it. It was his little revenge for all the things she had done to him over the years. Like the time she had told him that he'd grow taller if he wore 6 inch heels for a month.

* * *

"Taichou!" Matsumoto sang out happily, holding a pair of quite strange looking shoes in her hands. Hitsugaya looked at them disapprovingly. 

"What the hell are those?"

"Your special height-enhancing apparatus! I had them specially made for you!" Hitsugaya stared at them in disbelief.

"How the hell do those things work?" For the life of him, the genius captain couldn't see how to strange horn shaped objects could make him taller, perhaps he stuck them on his head and that counted as 'taller'?

"Silly Taichou! You put them on your feet and walk around them for a while."

"What the hell! Those things would barely fit me, and the big spike thing at the back is so huge my feet would be almost vertical!"

Matsumoto smiled at him. "That's the point silly! Normally they aren't _quite_ so extreme, but since yours is a… uh… special case, we had to get bigger heels for you. And you'll have to wear them for longer, like, say for… a month or two?"

Hitsugaya stared disbelievingly at the pair of shoes. He had told Matsumoto several days ago that he wished to grow taller, and cease being the shortest captain ever, and the 2nd shortest Shinigami ever (he was second only to Yachiru), but he had never expected these crude inventions to help him. Sliding his feet into them, he winced in pain. "These things hurt like hell Matsumoto!"

"You know what they say… No pain, no… um…uh… what was the word again?"

"Gain."

"Oh yeah! No pain no gain! Anyway, you might as well get used to them, and look! You're already taller! She indicated to a mirror, and Hitsugaya saw that to his surprise, he was now standing 6 inches taller. He tried to take a step, but fell over on his face. Matsumoto giggled as the captain tried to support himself and walk on the frightfully high heels. It took about 2 hours, and in that time, Matsumoto hadn't stopped laughing, time and time again the white haired boy had fallen over as soon as he had taken a step or two, but finally, he seemed to master the feminine art of walking with high heels.

There was a slight problem though, apart from the fact that his feet hurt like crazy. His captain robes were far too short now, and a considerable amount of heel showed at the bottom of his robes. A voice came from the door behind them. "Rangiku-san, Hitsugaya-kun… I-" Hinamori was shocked. Hitsugaya looked at her questioningly, wanting to see if she noticed the height difference, which wasn't very difficult, since he was now almost taller than she was. "Shirou-chan! You grew! A lot! In so little time!" Hinamori walked over to him. Hitsugaya smirked at her, his insides filled with delight, as he noticed when she came up to him, he was finally taller then her.

Then she straightened up and stopped crouching, and Hitsugaya's insides crashed. She had merely been bending down before, she was _still_ taller than him. However, it didn't worry him too much, for he surmised that at this current rate of growth, in about a week he'd be as tall as Aizen, and another week or two he'd be as tall as Komamura, then after this pain filled month was over, he'd be taller than any other Shinigami in Soul Society!

Hinamori bent down again, having just discovered something strange. "Hitsugaya-kun! You're wearing… high heels!" Hitsugaya looked strangely at her.

"What's wrong with that?" Hinamori was too shocked to answer. But Hitsugaya soon found out. Throughout the next week, he didn't seem to grow any taller, but he met plenty of snide comments from various captains and vice-captains who saw his fancy heels peeking out from the bottom of his robes.

"Yo Hitsugaya! Nice shoes ya got there!" Abarai Renji was met with a death glare from the white haired captain.

"I cannot believe you would belittle yourself to the point of wearing such inadequate fashion accessories." Byakuya looked distastefully at the captain's feet.

"Now what've we here? 10th Captain-san's wearing 'is lady shoes?" The leer of Ichimaru looked even more profound than usual as he surveyed the 10th Division Captain's wardrobe.

"WOOOOOOW! Short-stuff! Those shoes are so big! Are you wearing them to make you look taller?" Yachiru screamed in surprise as she saw the massive heels.

"Makes no difference kid. You're still a little kid, even if you are a bit taller." Hitsugaya's height difference seemed to make no impressions on the 11th Division Captain.

One week, many more strange looks from fellow Shinigami, and 3 hours of massaging his sore feet later, Hitsugaya was positively fuming, and he had one thing on his mind. _Matsumoto dies tonight._

* * *

This seemed like ample payback for the high heels incident, but there were of course, many more to come. Hitsugaya crossed his arms as he watched his vice-captain squirm uncomfortably. _Good. That's the way it should be._ It was Hinamori who came up with the answer, and saved Matsumoto from embarrassment. Hitsugaya scowled at her as she made her suggestion. 

"Hakufuku!" Everyone looked at her strangely. "What we need is a big Hakufuku, big enough to affect everyone here, so we can sneak out past them!" It was a good idea, even Hitsugaya admitted it, but that would mean Matsumoto would get off scot-free.

"Fine, we'll do it. But don't think you're getting off that easily Matsumoto." He smirked at her. There was a lot more to come for the ravishing vice-captain. The 5 of them joined in a circle, and silently concentrated their energies into a large field of darkness. As the field expanded, people left and right started dropping like stones. After 5 minutes, everyone had fallen. Hitsugaya looked around. "Alright, we're all clear, let's go." The group ran out with mixed feelings, Rukia feeling kind of guilty for not paying, Renji feeling cheated that Matsumoto hadn't repeated her performance for the guard, Hinamori feeling glad that she had thought of a situation that didn't include such disturbing actions by her friend, Matsumoto feeling relieved that she hadn't had to 'perform', and Hitsugaya was just pissed at Matsumoto, but then again, he often was.

"Shining Friendship… Shining Friendship… Shining Friendship." Hinamori was looking around for the place they were to meet Zaraki Kenpachi. She looked at the note they had received again. It was practically illegible, only the first 2 words could be read. "Shining Friendship… I wonder what this place is?" Renji was looking around as well, his large mouth flapping endlessly as usual.

"Man… where the hell is this place? Shining Friendship? What sort of a pathetic name is that? It's really like…" Hitsugaya tuned out. The redhead had such a good opinion of himself that he never seemed to realise his voice was loud, crude, and often spoke of boring subjects.

"Mega-booby! Broom-head! Koocheeky! Bun-head! Short-stuff!" Yachiru's voice squealed out as she cannonballed into Matsumoto.

"Yachiru! What are you doing here?" The others were still too much in shock to say a word.

_Broom-head…? My hair ain't no broom!_

_Koocheeky? I guess Kusajika-fukutaichou can't say 'Kuchiki' properly… _

_Bun-head?_ Hinamori patted the bun on her head lightly. _What's wrong with a bun? _

Hitsugaya was by far the angriest. _Short… stuff…? If she didn't have Zaraki to protect her, that crazy little girl would be dead by now…_

"Come on guys! Ken-chan told me that you were coming, so I thought I'd come to get you, since you might not know the way!" She tugged on Matsumoto's skirt, making it come down slightly, before running off, with the group of 5 behind the overexcited girl.

"Oi… Yachiru, where are we going?"

"You'll see! It's really great! Ken-chan's got a job there, and I go there everyday!"

Everyone's face displayed a look of incredible surprise when they read the sign above the door. Hinamori read the sign out slowly, just to make sure that the others were seeing the same thing that she was. "Welcome to the Shining Friendship…" She paused taking a breath before going on, "…to the Shining Friendship Kindergarten…" She finished weakly. The others were still staring in disbelief. Zaraki Kenpachi… the most crazed and most driven by bloodlust of all the Shinigami in the Gotei 13, was working in a Kindergarten. Something was gravely wrong. Renji had the fleeting image of crazy 5 year olds running around with swords and spears, stabbing bodies randomly.

From inside, they could hear a strange sound, a sort of strangled gurgle, accompanied by a choir of screeches. Rukia strained her ears, and found the tune somewhat familiar. She had heard it last time she came to Earth. As the horror-stricken group followed Yachiru in, the sound became clearer, and their minds were scarred even more deeply. "A-B-C-D-E-F-G, H-I-J-K-LMNOP, Q-R-S, T-U-V, W-X, Y&Z, Now I know my ABC's, next time won't you sing with me…"

Hitsugaya felt like throwing up, he had never heard Zaraki sing before, and he dearly hoped he'd never have to again. Zaraki heard footsteps and looked up, grimacing in his strange way. "Yo, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Abarai, Kuchiki, Hinamori… Long time no see!" The little kids scrabbled around as Zaraki stood up and made his way over to them.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Hitsugaya couldn't hide the surprise in his voice.

"What does it look like kid? I'm teaching the kids."

"They let you teach kids?"

"Yeah, and I've been doin' wonderfully, they all love me, and Yachiru loves it as well, lots of other little kids for her to play with." A lady appeared at the side, dressed neatly in a suit. It was the first time they noticed, but they saw that Zaraki had a full business suit on. Hitsugaya shuddered, he was going to have terrible nightmares from now on.

"Zaraki-san is an incredible teacher, he's the best we've had here for years! I sincerely hope that you can stay with us for a number of years, Zaraki-san." Zaraki actually had the grace to blush as his employer complimented him, even if it was only for a second, and even if it was only a very slight tinge of pink.

The others looked in the other direction determinedly, and Renji seemed to develop a coughing fit, which sounded strangely like 'Unohana! Unohana!' Zaraki fixed his gaze on the redhead and he ceased his coughing immediately.

"Anyway, I gotta get back to the kids, you guys can hang around until I finish up in half an hour or so, then we need to talk." With that, Zaraki strode back over to the crowd of kids, and began leading in them in their next educational activity, maths. "1+1 equals?" He was ripping off dolls heads as he spoke. He had one in each hand. "Ok, so, one dolls head, then I have another one, so how many altogether?"

Yachiru was the first to squeal out. "50!" Renji looked her in bewilderment.

"She's pretty smart." He remarked admiringly. Hitsugaya slapped his forehead. He was surrounded by numbskulls.

15 minutes later, after they had finished the grueling mathematics session, it was game time. Zaraki grinned as he held up a couple of wooden blocks.

"Alright, today we're having a war!" The littleuns around him screamed in delight, Yachiru screaming the loudest of all. Zaraki piled up several tables on each side of the room, and divided the class into two groups quickly. "Alright, you have to find these blocks, and throw them at the other side. The one who gets hit the most and is still standing wins!"

The group of 5 'students' stared in disbelief as Zaraki led the 5 year olds in an all out war against each other. Hitsugaya looked at the closed door which led to the principal's office. Didn't that woman realise the rituals Zaraki led the class through? She must be blind AND deaf.

Half an hour later, Zaraki walked out with the group, Yachiru perched on his back as usual. "Don't the people in there find it a bit strange that Yachiru's always on your back, Zaraki-taichou?" Matsumoto was curious.

"Not really, they don't care, as long as I give the kids a good time."

Hitsugaya's voice could be heard. "By teaching them how to be killers?"

Zaraki pretended not to hear. "Anyway, it's about Aizen and those Arankuru and stuff. I got a message from the old man saying that I should checkup with you guys every now and then to see if there are any developments. Well?" He stared at each of them in turn.

Renji answered for them. "Nah… nothing really, we've just been hanging out at the school, and trying to fit in with the humans' weird cultures."

"Lucky bastard. I wish I was there… then I'd see Ichigo every day." Zaraki grumbled. "Anyway, I guess that's it. See ya."

Renji stared in disbelief. "What the hell? You told us to come here like it was a matter of life and death! It took us longer to get here than it took for you to talk to us!"

Zaraki shrugged and eyed the indignant vice-captain. "Got a problem with it Abarai?" As they watched the retreating figure of Zaraki and Yachiru, the group sighed.

"Oh well, I guess it's back to the subway for us, eh Matsumoto?" There was no mistaking the evil tone in Hitsugaya's voice. They had to go back on the subway now, and Matsumoto would have to repeat her performance, Hitsugaya would make sure of it.

* * *

**Stuff: **Hooray for Zaraki and Yachiru! Next characters to appear will be Ikkaku and Yumichika. They might not be in the next chapter, I might have a sort of filling in chapter before I introduce them, but they will be the next two new characters. When and where they hang out? You'll find out soon... 

Oh yeah.. and I have a few ideas for various characters, but it'd be great if you guys could help me think as well, so if you have any ideas for new characters to come into this fic, please tell me... my creative juices were exhausted after the first chapter or so. Ideas for existing characters that have already been brought in are also welcome!


	4. Crush

**Intro: **Okay, so I lied. No Ikkaku or Yumichika. They'll pop up later.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach or any of its incredible characters.

* * *

The train station, again. The Shinigami were experts now, when they approached the subway entrance, they turned in and went down the stairs without missing a beat, it was done perfectly. When they reached the barriers though, they looked around, Matsumoto whimpering as she imagined what she might have to do to get through. Hitsugaya prodded her. "Look over there Matsumoto, there's your target…" He sniggered as he pointed at the female guard, who was keeping a sharp eye out for ticket evaders.

"Taichou… please… I promise I won't do anything bad to you ever again!" Matsumoto was getting desperate. Hitsugaya was just enjoying seeing her squirm.

"Sorry Matsumoto, but we need to get past somehow, and this seems to be the only way." Hitsugaya didn't really care if she actually did it, but this torture was just too fun to pass up, especially after all she had done to him, like when he had just become the 10th Captain, and had only just met the vice-captain, and was completely oblivious to her ways.

* * *

"Ma-tsu-mo-to…" He sounded the name out carefully. Who the hell was Matsumoto? Hitsugaya adjusted his new captain's jacket and looked around the office. He had been told to report to the 10th Office, where he would be met by this Matsumoto person, but he or she seemed to be nowhere in sight. 

"Hey! Matsumoto! Get the hell in here, whoever you are!"

"Coooooming…" A feminine voice sang out, and a few seconds later someone walked out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her. Hitsugaya turned bright red and turned around quickly. "Eh? What's a little kid doing in the office? You new around here?" Matsumoto had stripped the towel off and was drying her hair vigorously, trying at the same time to shove her finger in her ear and dislodge the stuff that was in there.

Hitsugaya was still bright red as he managed to stutter out. "I'm… in here, you moron, because… I'm the new captain…"

Matsumoto stopped for a while, and looked down at him, literally, down. "Oh…? You're the captain?" She bent down and leaned over him, her big boobies brushing against his shoulder as she did so. Hitsugaya stiffened, and his face got about 50 degrees hotter. Matsumoto stared him for a while, then spoke. "I'm your vice-captain, Matsumoto Rangiku. Nice to meet you Taichou… You're sooo cute, you know that?" She grinned as she said it, but there was only one thing on Hitsugaya's mind right now, and he didn't even bother to register the compliment.

"CAN YOU PUT SOME FRIGGIN CLOTHES ON AND GET OFF OF ME!"

A few minutes later, Hitsugaya's face had lightened somewhat, but it was still slightly red, his back was still facing his vice-captain, who was standing behind him, slipping on her kimono. "Ok… it's safe to look now, you innocently cute boy…" Hitsugaya scowled, couldn't she just address him properly? He turned around and got the biggest shock of his life, well, the second biggest shock of his life, the first had come a few minutes earlier when she had stepped out of the bathroom. The busty vice-captain had her kimono on, that was true, but there seemed to be a large gaping hole in the middle revealing far more than the short captain wished to see of his vice-captain.

"What the hell? Don't any of your clothes cover those two mountains up?"

Matsumoto looked puzzled. "They are covered, but I need to give my babies a chance to breathe right?"

Hitsugaya felt very strongly about this. "No way, listen, as my first official orders to you, you are going to wear something that covers it up, I'm not going to sit around all day and stare at those two things."

"But Taichou…" That was the first time Hitsugaya had experienced the whining of Matsumoto, and he was going to experience for many more years to come. It was also the first time she experienced the legendary icy glare that her captain was renowned for.

"No 'buts', you're finding something else to wear, not that thing with a gaping hole in the middle."

The next day, many of the perverts who lurked outside the 10th Division, hoping for a glance at the vice-captain's incredible upper body, were sorely disappointed as Matsumoto appeared in a completely closed kimono, that was looking like it was about to burst. There were whispers going around as Hitsugaya walked around Soul Society, followed by his vice-captain. Some were claiming that the two had had a full night of action, and she was too tired to release the two boobs from their prison. Others were claiming that the new captain was just a tight-ass who wanted to reserve the privilege of staring at Matsumoto for himself. Many people were delivered to the 4th Division that day, with bizarre stories of 'ice around them', 'freaky kids', 'jealous captains', but the 4th Division dismissed it all as delirium since it didn't seem to make sense to them at all.

"Taichou…"

"What is it now?" Hitsugaya had only known her for a day, and he was already tired of her.

"There's something you should see…" Hitsugaya turned around in disgust and looked at her. The kimono had finally lost the battle, and the middle had split revealing a large amount of cleavage. "It just wouldn't hold, the thing just ripped apart..." Hitsugaya's sharp eyes could pick out what seemed scissor marks, and he could see the blades of a pair of scissors sticking out from behind her back, but said nothing of it.

"Fine, wear that then." After all, it was a big improvement on the original kimono she had worn. Matsumoto left the room happily. _Taichou can't be all that smart if he didn't realise I cut that open, guess that means a lot more freedom than I expected!_ She skipped down the corridor in glee, while Hitsugaya watched her from the doorway, shaking his head. _What a weird woman…_

* * *

And it appeared that even after those many decades, she was still just as weird. "Oi, Matsumoto, time to perform." Matsumoto looked at him in horror. 

"Taichou! You know I can't do this! On that guy before was fine, but not here! Get Renji to do it!" The redheaded vice-captain, who was still snickering as Hitsugaya looked at him, immediately found his voice.

"What the hell? Why me?"

Hitsugaya could think of a perfectly good reason why.

* * *

"Oi, Hitsugaya!" There was no response. "Hitsugaya!" Nothing. "Hitsugaya! Thinking 'bout Hinamori too much are ya?" Renji was sent flying by a small fist as it connected with his chin. After he landed several feet away, Hitsugaya stood up, fuming. 

"What did you just stay Renji…?" The idiotic redhead found himself shivering as the temperature dropped sharply.

"Um... nothing Hitsugaya-taichou!"

"You sure? I think I heard something, something that I'll have to kill you for…"

"Hitsugaya-kun!" Hinamori jumped into the middle of the two, smiling at the white-haired captain. "Oh, Hello Abarai-kun." She turned back to Hitsugaya, smiling as usual. "Hitsugaya-kun, we're going to be late!" She dragged Hitsugaya off, who was protesting the while way, while Renji looked at the two in amazement, and called out after them.

"Yeah, Hitsugaya, don't be late for your _date_." Had it not been for Hinamori's vice-like grip, Renji would have been lying down, his head rolling about 3 feet away from his body.

* * *

This particular incident forced itself into Hitsugaya's mind, and he grinned evilly as he saw the trembling redhead in front of him. "All right then. Renji, your turn, you're going to get us through those barriers this time." 

"What the hell? You conniving son of a…"

Hitsugaya's cold stare silenced him. "Don't forget, you idiot, that I'm the one in charge here. So go now, that's an order." Renji glared at the short captain, but he didn't budge.

After 30 minutes, the group managed to get through, but only because Renji had managed to coax the guard into turning the other way while they all ran past. Hitsugaya and Rukia were disappointed with the performance, however. "That was pathetic Renji. Matsumoto-san's was far more entertaining."

"Well whaddaya expect? I'm not the one with massive boobs."

"She's right you know, Renji, if that were an exam, I'd fail you miserably."

"Shut up, bet you couldn't do it any better Hitsugaya."

"_Captain _Hitsugaya… and I bet I could, even that cranky old witch would succumb to a cute little kid walking up to her and asking for help, as opposed to some loud-mouthed idiot trying to seduce her by _asking for the time_." Hinamori was no expert on this subject, but even she knew that Renji had done terribly.

-

The next day, things were pretty much the same, Renji got into arguments with some of the other guys in the class, several girls shrieked as the 'cute genius kid' walked into the room, Asano was getting bashed by Matsumoto every time he went near her, and Hinamori was running from all the strangers she was meeting. But something was going to happen on this seemingly average day. It was lunch time when he first noticed her. She was running around, screaming at people, in a way that often caused her to be labeled as a bossy tomboy. But to him, she seemed wonderful. Leaning over, he nudged Ichigo, who was helping Rukia tie her shoelace, and had been for the past 2 hours. "Hey… who's that girl over there kicking the ball?" Ichigo replied without looking.

"Eh? That's Tatsuki. Tatsuki Arisawa. Why'd you want to know?" Ichigo looked up into his face, and dropped Rukia's leg immediately, causing her to scream in pain and punch him in the back. "No way! Hitsugaya! You're falling for Tatsuki!" The white haired captain didn't answer, but instead just stared at the girl, repeating the name to himself. Ichigo pulled a face. "Oi, Hitsugaya, aren't you like, going out with Hinamori or something? Don't do this to me!" He was getting hysterical now. The idea of someone liking Tatsuki was unthinkable, and to think that that person was Hitsugaya as well, that was just a recipe for disaster.

-

"IIIIICHIGO! WE'RE HOME!" Ichigo heard his dad and sisters return, and sighed. He had been hoping for some quiet time at home alone with Rukia while they went out to get their hair cut, but that obviously wasn't going to happen now, it had taken a bit longer than expected to get the others home, because they had insisted on going widow shopping, at least, Hinamori and Matsumoto had, and then the others just had to follow the two girls around for the next 3 hours.

"COMING!" Ichigo told Rukia to wait for him, and went down to see his family, there was something he wanted to ask Karin about when she had asked about his being a Shinigami. Rukia nodded and waited upstairs, keeping a firm foot on the struggling Kon as she did so, who was trying to smother himself in her chest. "HOLY! WHAT THE HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS!" Rukia ran downstairs when she heard Ichigo's yell, and stopped short when she saw Isshin, Karin and Yuzu. Her jaw dropped as she stared at the three people in front of her.

"No… way…"

* * *

**Stuff: **As per usual, I require that you good people review and tell me how crap this was. And for anyone that is getting ready to kill me, Hitsugaya isn't going to abandon Hinamori forever... as if I'd let that happen, this is merely a disturbance in they're perfect little world... 


	5. Amends

**Intro:** Long time since I updated this one, but here goes. Forgive me if it's a bit un-unified... if that's even a word. I wrote half of this, then forgot about it, and finished it off about 3 weeks after, so my train of thought might have crashed somewhere along the way. Also... there might be some OOC-ness... because I wanted to do the Hitsugaya-Tatsuki thing, but being a true HitsuHina fan, had to bring it back to that at the end, so the ending might seem... a bit twisted.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.. etc. etc. etc.

* * *

Ichigo and Rukia stared at the trio before them, their eyebrows twitching uncontrollably. Rukia wasn't sure whether to laugh or to scream. Yuzu was standing in the doorway, holding a shopping bag full of groceries, but what surprised the Kuchiki girl the most was the fact that she had abandoned her petite brown haircut and exchanged it for a well-polished, shiny… lack-of-hair-cut. Not a single remained on her head, and she was smiling happily, oblivious to her brother's expression. 

"Nii-san! Daddy took us to this great new hairdresser's today, it was incredible! There was no queue at all, and we got to get our hair done straight away!" _Doesn't that mean… that the new place is crap if there's no customers…? _Ichigo had no time to ponder on the thought, because Yuzu quickly directed his attention to the bright red creature standing in front of her, whom he realised must be Karin. Ichigo opened his mouth in surprise, and was about to make a snide comment, but one look from Karin silenced him. Rukia, however, wasn't quite as intelligent.

"Karin-san… why did you choose to get that… thing?"

Having had enough, Karin exploded. Her screams could be heard all through the town of Karakura, but many dismissed it as one of the many usual happenings in the Kurosaki household. "I DIDN'T WANT TO GET THIS STUPID THING DONE! BLAME THE OLD MAN… THAT… IDIOT FORCED ME TO THAT GAYLORD AND HAD THIS DONE TO ME." Karin stomped off to her room, while Ichigo and Rukia stared in interest at the large feather-ish obtrusion sticking from her right eyebrow.

"Where is Dad anyway?" As if to answer his question, a yell came from beyond the door.

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIICHIGO!" The eccentric old man flew through the door, one foot out, ready to kick his son. Yuzu and Rukia cleverly sidestepped the flying old man, Ichigo just hid behind a bookcase. With a loud collision, Isshin met bookcase, and a new union was formed between the two. Spitting out the pages he had swallowed, Isshin looked up, tears streaming from his eyes. "My dear son! I knew you cared about me... you realised I wanted to read so you forced me to abandon all else and find a book! I love you too!" Ichigo was about to retort angrily when Rukia tapped him on the shoulder and pointed out two differences about his father. Kurosaki Isshin, although known for his eccentrics, must have gone beyond the realm of sanity this time, for he, like his daughter, had had himself shaved completely bald, and like his other daughter, now wore two strange pieces of… stuff on both eyebrows.

"What the hell did you do to yourself?" Ichigo almost felt sorry for him.

Tears came from the old man's eyes once more. "My dearest son! You do care! You saw my beautiful new makeover and thought it was so wonderful that you were inspired to get the very same thing done to your horrendous hair! Incredible! I never knew of parent role models until this happy day!" Ichigo's eyebrow twitched as he lost his temper.

"NO WAY AM I GETTING THAT CRAP DONE TO ME!"

"But don't you think it's beautiful?" Isshin stopped crying for a moment to pout expertly. "The very helpful man there said I looked positively GORGEOUS after I had these done. He said I almost looked as good as he did, and you should never doubt professional advice. Ichigo stiffened when he heard about the vain hairdresser. He glanced at Rukia, jerking his head back to suggest they retire to his room. She didn't seem to take the hint however, so he jerked his head back more violently. Isshin noticed and misinterpreted the action, as usual. "My poor you're your neck is cramping… come into my PRIVATE office and I will PERSONALLY give you a FULL BODY CHECK-UP!" Ichigo paled and grabbed Rukia's hand, ignoring the shorter girl's protests and dragging her up to his room. The last time he had gone to his dad for medical help, it had resulted in a 3 hour long check-up where he had to strip down to his boxers, while his father ran his hands over him, groaning and exclaiming as he went. It was altogether just a bit too creepy for him, and ever since that day 11 years ago, he had resolved to never get sick ever again, or to do it secretly so that he could sneak off to another doctor.

In Ichigo's room, the two Shinigami looked at each other. "A guy who shaves people bald…"

"And a guy who likes to give people scary eyebrow decorations…"

"And thinks a lot of himself…"

The two of them arrived at one conclusion. "It's Ikkaku and Yumichika."

-

The next day, Hitsugaya was walking around, trying to catch the eye of the one he had seen the day before. Hinamori was following him around, worriedly, afraid that her Shiro-chan was sick, since he didn't seem to be responding to her, even when she called him Shiro-chan out in public, he just ignored her and kept on walking. She didn't know what to make of it. Being as intelligent as ever, she went to her good friends, Ichigo, Matsumoto and Rukia for help, (Renji was off somewhere trying to show off his tattoos)

"Um… Kurosaki-san, Rangiku-san, Rukia-san… Do you know what's wrong with Hitsugaya-kun?" She had been on the verge of saying 'Shiro-chan', but it just seemed weird now, without him to get annoyed everytime she called him that.

Rangiku and Rukia leaned in, comforting her and trying to assure her that it was just a 'phase', while Ichigo stared away pointedly and whistled loudly. He wasn't going to tell what Hitsugaya had told him, well, not told him directly, but in an indirect way, the boy genius had let him know, and he would rather die before betraying the 10th Captain's trust, largely because the kid would kill him if he did anyway. Rukia, however, noticed Ichigo's subtle behaviour, and grabbed his ear. Amidst his screams of pain, she wormed the truth out of him.

"Ow! I don't… OW… know anything! Hitsugaya's just OW I mean... he's OW OW CRAP… I can't tell you Rukia, it's top-secr- OWWWWWWWWWWW! ALL RIGHT! Toushirou's got a crush on Tatsuki alright? Now just LET GO OF MY FRIGGIN EAR!" Rukia released her grip immediately, happy that she had gotten the information she wanted, but it had shocked her immensely. The cute little captain of the 10th Division had a thing for the tomboyish Tatsuki? A strange twist indeed. Hinamori was staring at the ground silently, as the news slowly sank in. Slowly, she rose, and headed for the girl's bathroom, dismissing Rangiku as the big-breasted friend tried to follow. Rukia and Rangiku stood outside the door, listening to the sobs inside. Ichigo had wanted to come initially, but two fierce glares from the females and some more expert ear-pulling from Rukia had driven the menace away.

About 10 minutes later, Hinamori opened the door, her eyes slightly red, but otherwise she appeared normal. It had never occurred to her innocent mind how powerful a force jealousy was, and how much she really liked Hitsugaya, but now her feelings were clear, and it was also clear that Tatsuki was going to have a difficult day ahead of her…

"Tatsuki Arisawa!" The girl looked up to see the wrathful face of her teacher lingering above her head. "How dare you fall asleep in my class? I wouldn't have expected it of you! Now, I warn you, one more time, and it's straight to the principal's office for you, young lady!" Tatsuki yawned unexpectedly. She didn't even realise what had happened. One moment, she had been scribbling down notes quietly, the next thing she knew, it had gone black, and when she woke up, she was in trouble. She settled down to work again, and was going fine until…

"TATSUKI ARISAWA! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING LAST NIGHT BUT I SINCERELY HOPE THAT YOU NEVER DO IT AGAIN! THAT'S THE SIXTH TIME TODAY YOU'VE FALLEN ASLEEP IN THIS ONE CLASS! IT IS UTTERLY DISGRACEFUL! I ALREADY DECIDED TO GIVE YOU CHANCES, BUT THIS IS IRREFUTABLE! STRAIGHT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE! NOW!" A protesting Tatsuki was escorted to the principal's office by a fuming teacher, while the class muttered amongst themselves. Rukia and Rangiku, however, were eyeing Hinamori suspiciously. A small smile played upon the bun-headed girl's lips, Hakufuku worked _so _well in times like these…

Throughout the next week, poor Tatsuki found herself the victim of some ruthless hidden enemy. She was on detention every second day, but even that didn't seem to stop her. When confronted with each of her crimes, her mouth would not move as she willed, and she confessed to it without hesitation, all the while furiously fighting the mysterious force inside her head. "Arisawa-san…" Now she was back at the vice's office, she had already seen too much of her and her disturbingly large mole on her 4th chin. The more Tatsuki had to see this hideous creature, the more the mole seemed to grow, and the athletic girl could swear that the foul hair that grew from the large blob had doubled in size since the last time she had seen it. "…once again something has gone amiss, and given your recent… records, you are once again our prime suspect. So… what do you have to say to busting every locker in the school? It'll cost a pretty penny to replace all those locks, you know, and by the looks of it, it'll have to come out of someone's pocket. Tatsuki knew that she was innocent, she had always been innocent. But as she opened her mouth to proclaim this simple fact, it happened again, she lost control of her words, and words that weren't her own spouted from her mouth.

A lovestruck Hitsugaya was walking by the corridor, when he saw Hinamori standing at the door, he walked over to her. "Momo… what are you-" He stopped for two reasons. One, he heard Tatsuki's voice from inside the room. Two, he just noticed that Hinamori was glowing with an aura and her eyes were glowing a malicious blue. He understood instantly. Demon Arts, this was one that Hinamori herself had invented. It allowed her control over the victim's words. Suddenly he understood what had happened. He grabbed Hinamori's uniform, tugging at it hard. Hinamori snapped out of her trance and stared down at the small captain next to her. "Shirou-chan!" A look of guilt appeared on her face, while inside, Tatsuki found herself explaining to an unbelieving vice-principal about her current dilemma.

In an empty classroom upstairs, Hitsugaya stared at the tear-stained face in front of him. "Why'd you do it… Momo?"

"Shirou-chan… I was… I just… I couldn't bear to see her with you! I didn't want to admit it, but I was jealous! And… I wanted you to myself…" She burst into tears and broke down. Hitsugaya watched sympathetically.

"I'm sorry Momo… I like you too… but Tatsuki's just-"

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Both Hitsugaya and Hinamori jumped back in surprise as a delighted Matsumoto jumped out of a nearby desk, followed by a smirking Rukia and a surprised Renji. "TAICHOU! YOU AND HINAMORI FINALLY ADMITTED YOUR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER!" The pretty vice-captain was ecstatic. Rukia, meanwhile, had other thoughts on her mind.

"Ah-hah! Told you Renji. Hitsugaya-taichou and Hinamori-san were bound to do it, even with the interference."

" Yeah yeah… shut up Rukia, you won the bet… so what?"

"I'll tell you what you big baboon! It means you owe me another bunny rabbit, and I'd better get it before we go home, or you die."

"Kay… don't get your knickers in a twist…"

"What are knickers?"

"I dunno… I just heard Ichigo say it to his sister… and it sounded cool…"

"You are such an idiot Renji! Next time you say some random human saying, learn what it means first you giant idiot."

Much as Hitsugaya enjoyed the sight of the two of them fighting, there was something they had said that was bothering him. "Interference…? What do you mean Rukia?" His eyes narrowed as he focused on the 13th Division member, who was suddenly sweating furiously under the stern glare of the younger captain.

"Um… I... um… it was…" Luckily Renji was there for her.

"She means that we figured that you and Hinamori would get it on much more easily if she thought that there was someone else in your life, so you'd finally admit that you like each other and…" He paused with a bewildered expression on his face as he sighted Matsumoto behind Hitsugaya, frantically waving her arms and putting a finger to her lips, her eyes wide. "… and I think Rangiku wants to tell you something Hitsugaya…" For once he didn't even bother correcting Renji for his impoliteness, but whipped around to his vice-captain.

"Matsumoto…? What do you want to say…?" The blonde was shivering as the temperature dropped, the table that Hitsugaya was resting his hand on had turned to ice already. She remained silent, frantically searching for something to say.

Renji, being the ever-helpful friend and seeing that she was in trouble, decided to help her out. "Oi… I think she wants to tell you that she cast the spell thingo that made you fall for Tatsuki in the first place, and she's the one who came up with this crazy idea to get you and Hinamori- OOOF!" Renji was silenced by Rukia's patented Foot-in-stomach technique, while Matsumoto began to sweat profusely, despite her captain's chilling aura.

"Ah… Taichou! I… just want to say… that…"

"Don't say anything… just run…"

The school groundsman looked up in surprise as he saw a female jump straight through the window a floor or two above him, followed by a small white-haired shape. As they passed, the old man noticed the temperature drop about 20 degrees. "Damn this global warming business, it seems to be working in reverse..."

* * *

**Stuff: **So... there we go... Read Review.. flame it... make me cry... whatever... just let me know somehow that you've read it so I don't feel so bad... 


	6. The Terror of Yachiru

**Intro: **11th Division members UNITE! Or something like that. They'll meet up, and Yachiru's zanpakutou! Like... ZOMG!

**Disclaimer: **As usual, I don't own Bleach, but if I did... I would develop this fic into a short series of anime filler type thingies for total comic relief... and make this Yachiru's official zanpakutou.

* * *

"KEEEEENN-CHAAAAAAAN!" Over at the Shining Friendship Preschool, things were not well. Worried parents threw concerned glances over their shoulders as they left the complex, having just picked their children up from the centre. The recent appointment, Zaraki Kenpachi, had seemed like a dubious choice at the time, but the management had been desperate for a new teacher, somehow, all the substitutes they had lined up were mysteriously in hospital with various sword wounds and blows to their body. However, after a few days, it became clear that the maniacal 'teacher' knew what he was doing. The children claimed to have 'never had so much fun before', and with that reassurance, no one bothered to check on his classes as he taught the kiddies what he knew. Now, as parents walked away, they could hear the screams of Kusajishi Yachiru, a hyperactive student who had appeared around the same time as Kenpachi, whom he called his niece. 

As furniture started to break and tables were thrown around the room, parents walked away quickly, speeding away in their cars from whatever monster lurked within the walls of the kindergarten, quietly screaming their heads off. "KEN-CHAN!" Yachiru was getting annoyed now. For a full 5 minutes, Ken-chan had refused to listen to her and wasn't responding when she pummeled him with her tiny fists. "Ken-chan! You need to get a haircut!"

Unable to ignore his vice-captain any longer, Kenpachi burst. "What the 'ell you talkin' bout Yachiru! I don't need a haircut dammit, just shut up and go play with some toys."

"But I killed all the soldiers already, and if I kill the fluffy bunnies as well, I'll get in trouble…"

Glad to have gotten her off the subject of haircuts, Kenpachi tried to lead her off further. "Well… why don't you find something else to kill then?"

"NO! You're trying to distract me Ken-chan! You naughty man… you're going to get a haircut and you're going to get it NOW!" As if to prove her point, Yachiru jumped up and grabbed one of Zaraki's spikes, swinging on it like some sort of vine.

"OW! You little…"

"See! I told you it's too long! Now you need go and get it cut!" Zaraki shook his head, both to refuse and to get her off his hair. Yachiru, however, either ignored the gesture, or didn't recognise it, for she held on with all her might and began screaming at the top of her lungs "KEN-CHAN! GO AND GET YOUR HAIRCUT NOW BEFORE I GET MAD AT YOU!" The fearsome Zaraki Kenpachi stopped shaking his head viciously to think about it. The last time he had gotten Yachiru mad, it was like something out of a horror movie. Not those cheapo horror movies with blood and guts everywhere, but true horror, and how deeply the 11th captain regretted pissing the childish vice-captain off that day…

-

"KEN-CHAAAAAAN!" Yachiru screamed loudly, while various members of the 11th Division scurried away to hide. Zaraki looked at her bewildered.

"What the hell do you want now Yachiru?"

"I want someone to play with."

"Not now… go play with Ikkaku, or Yumichika, they'll love it." He wasn't really sure about this, since no one in their right minds would enjoy playing with Yachiru, but then again, it was Ikkaku and Yumichika they were talking about here, and neither of them could be described as being 'in their right minds'.

"NO! I want Ken-chan! I don't want stupid Baldy and his cue-ball head, or Eyebrow Creep… last time I played with him he tried to put me in a dress! Then when I wouldn't change into the ugly dress he grabbed my clothes and started ripping them off, giggling and going all creepy on me… that was scary…"

Zaraki continued scribbling away at his mound of paperwork, but made a mental note to remind the peacock Yumichika that pedophilia was illegal, not to mention what Zaraki would do to him if he tried perving on Yachiru. He was about to get started on his last few papers when Yachiru grabbed onto his hair and pulled downwards, bringing his head back and crashing onto the chair back. Gritting his teeth, he stared at the upside-down image of his vice-captain. "What… now... Yachiru?"

"I WANT YOU TO PLAY WITH ME RIGHT NOW!"

"I FRIGGIN CAN'T RIGHT NOW DAMMIT! FIND YOUR OWN PLAYMATE ALREADY!"

"NEE… KEN-CHAN'S SO MEAN! I HATE YOU KEN-CHAN!" She released his hair, and her hand flew to the petite sword she pulled around with her, Zaraki looked surprised, in all his experience with the temperamental yet hyperactive kid, he had never seen her this angry before…

"You made me angry… Hug, Kawaigurumi!" There was a flash as the youngest vice-captain in the history of Soul Society released the fury of her Zanpakutou onto her captain. A loud crash sounded and the office ceiling caved in on Zaraki.

Zaraki groaned, there was some monster weight on him, he couldn't move his arms or legs, something had him pinned down. He finally opened his eyes, and they widened in horror. "HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING!" Sitting on top of him, just radiating an aura of cuteness and adorable-ness, was a giant stuffed teddy bear, smiling down at him. _This thing's Yachiru's Zanpakutou? Like…what the hell?_ The thing got off of him, and picked him up in one of its stubby paws. Yachiru watched on from the side, her eyes blazing in rage. Zaraki felt like screaming as the bear brought him closer to its chest.

For the first time, Zaraki was feeling fear. But this wasn't fear in a battle, it was just a pure, raw, horror as the giant cuddly bear wrapped both arms around his paralysed body and hugged him. Hard. Never before had Zaraki felt so sick. For the millionth time, he acknowledged how powerful Yachiru actually was. With an attack like this, she could scare even the most powerful Menos away. After it finished its first assault, Kawaigurumi lifted Zaraki's body further, to deliver the final blow. The invincible 11th captain struggled against the vice-like grip of the creature, but to no avail, the teddy bear's head bent down, puckered its lips, and delivered a wet, slobbery kiss to Zaraki's entire face. It was easily the single grossest thing he had ever experienced. As it finally relented, Zaraki took the time to catch his breath, hoping Kawaigurumi would drop him now. However, the creature, seeing that Zaraki would take a bit more work to defeat, bent down again, ready to deliver its attack once more. A terror far more chilling than any sort of fear on the battlefield came over the captain. There was no way he was going to endure that again. He'd rather die…

"ALRIGHT! I'LL PLAY WITH YOU YACHIRU! JUST GET THIS THING AWAY FROM ME!" On the ground, Yachiru suddenly smiled and jumped up and down in glee, as Kawaigurumi disappeared, dropping a very freaked out Zaraki on the ground.

"Yay! Ken-chan's gonna play with me now!"

-

There was no bloody way in the world he was going to go through that torture again, so the 11th Captain sighed. "Fine… I'll get the friggin haircut. I don't need it though…" Yachiru was confused now, and asked the question that her young mind was struggling with.

"Well, if you don't need to get the haircut, why'd you say you'd go get one Ken-chan?"

-

"The Pretty Bald Peacock Hair and Beauty Parlour?" Zaraki over his shoulder at Yachiru. "What the hell? Why'd we walk halfway across town to come to a place that has a name that sounds like it was made by Ikkaku and Yumichika?"

"Taaaiichooou!" A voice sang out, a voice that was about 3 octaves higher than your average man's voice.

"Holy… what the hell you doing here Taichou?"

"Ken-chan's here to get a haircut Baldy, what else?"

"He doesn't look like he needs one…"

"He does! Got it?"

"But seriously… he doesn't look like he- OW! MY HEAD! My beautiful shiny head! Get off it you monster! You'll leave teeth marks in my scalp, and it'll take hours of polishing to get back its glassy smooth appearance! Oi! Yumichika! Get over here and help me get this brat off my head!"

"Sorry Taichou… you'll have to wait a bit while I help Ikkaku with Fukutaichou… Heeheehee… Oh Yaaaachiruuu! Would you like to wear this dress that I- OOW! My… my… BEAUTIFUL eyebrows! What have you done to them? Do you know how long I spent growing them out to that perfectly gorgeous length? I've been giving our customers some fake ones, but mine were 156 per cent pure eyebrow, you evil brat. Where's a mirror! I need a mirror! I need to know right away where my beauty has been destroyed, so I can start work on it right away!"

Zaraki stood at the door, completely forgotten, but he was still in complete shock. Get his hair cut by Yumichika and Ikkaku? No bloody way. Suddenly he jerked awake, and he realised where he was, and the fact that Yachiru was biting Ikkaku's head, holding a handful of what appeared to be Yumichika's eyebrows, while Ikkaku was trying to pry her off with a razor, and Yumichika was panicking in front of a mirror, counting his strands of hair to make sure it was still perfect. No one was watching him. It was the perfect time to make a getaway. Within seconds he had sprinted back to the Kindergarten. It was amazing how fast you could move with the right motivation. He ran up to the door and turned the knob, but it remained stubbornly shut.

"Dammit, which bastard locked the door?" As he looked in his pockets for the key, he heard a loud crash behind him. Turning around, he found himself staring at two yellow trunks of fluff. His eyes widened as he looked up, and the smiling face of a giant teddy bear stared back at him. "Shit…"

Ikkaku and Yumichika stared in awe as the giant yellow teddy bear stomped back to the hair salon, a protesting Zaraki in its grasp. Yachiru danced as she saw it approach. "Yay! Kawaigurumi found Ken-chan!" As the bear gave Zaraki one last kiss to make sure he stayed at the salon, Yachiru looked questioningly at him. "Ken-chan… why'd you run away? I thought you wanted a haircut." It was surprising how incredibly short her memory span was sometimes, thought Zaraki.

The two hairdressers were still staring at the giant teddy bear in horror. Such a terrifying beast, that hugged and kissed you, only Kusajishi-fukutaichou would have a weapon that formidable. Kawaigurumi seemed to notice them at this point, and turned their way, bending down to get a better look.

"EEEEK!" The two of them screamed in unison and grabbed onto the other and held him tight. It had always been an unsolved mystery in the 11th Division, and most likely the whole of Seireitei how Kusajishi Yachiru seemed to exert so much power over Zaraki Kenpachi, arguably the most feared Shinigami ever. However, after seeing her release her Zanpakutou, the 3rd and 5th seats could hazard a guess at how she managed it.

* * *

**Stuff: **That was fun... wasn't it? So far the next chapter appears to be bringing in our favourite pair from the 8th Division Shunsui and his dear Nanao-chan... but I'll see how that one turns out... 


	7. Bunny Magazines

**Intro:** This chapter is on the always loveable Kyouraku Shunsui and Ise Nanao, who find themselves working in a bookshop in Karakura.

**Disclaimer:** The usual, Bleach is obviously not mine.

* * *

The owner of the local bookshop looked up from his desk as his two newest employees walked in. They certainly were a strange sight. One was a middle aged man, his hair tied back loosely and more often than not he was wearing a straw hat and a flowery overcoat. While the bookshop had rather lenient rules as regards to a dress code for its employees, the manager had insisted that the man no longer wear the thing to work, but day after day he still did it, and the poor man had given up. He would have gladly fired the man, for he did little to no work, but to dismiss the absent-minded worker would be a great loss to his business, for along with the laid-back lazy bugger there came what the manager saw as a model employee. She even looked like she was born to work in a bookshop. Her hair was tied back _neatly_, unlike her companion, she was often seen holding a large volume of some sort, and she was by far the most efficient worker he had ever had the pleasure of knowing in his life. There was no way he could afford to give her up, and the last time he had threatened to throw Kyouraku Shunsui out, Ise Nanao had immediately told him, in that strangely conniving way of hers, that she would walk out the moment her companion stopped working at the establishment. Sighing, he gave them a few instructions before leaving them to their tasks. At least, Ise went off and did her duties, Kyouraku, as usual, headed straight for the Adult Fiction section. 

Nanao walked amongst the books, staring at them adoringly. She was in heaven. Back at the 8th Division, there were very few books, since Captain Kyouraku had a thing against books with more than 50 pages and less than 25 colour illustrations. Here, in this degrading real world store, however, she was surrounded by them. Sighing, she hurried on with her work, hoping to finish so that she could continue making her way through the bookcases.

Within an hour, Ise was sitting on the couch in the reading area, having finished both her and Kyouraku's jobs for the day. In her hands she held a fantasy novel which could be likened to a triple volume of an encyclopaedia. Her eyes darted back and forth, as she sped through the book, but she was interrupted when a lazy voice called out to her.

"My Nanao-chan… why are you sitting there reading that brick?" Her Captain crawled into the seat next to her, a magazine in his hand.

"I have told you before Kyouraku-taichou, I find this an enjoyable pastime."

"Ah… but I bet you've never seen something as incredible as _this_ before have you, Nanao-chan?" He thrust the magazine in his lap into her hands, knocking her dictionary to the ground. Pursing her lips, the staid vice-captain looked at the front cover of the magazine, it had on it a black silhouette of a rabbit's head. She turned to look at her Captain, who was giggling to himself and pointing at the magazine, motioning for her to open it and absorb the knowledge within.

She closed her eyes when she saw what was inside. "This is not amusing Kyouraku-taichou." Kyouraku made no reply, he just suddenly yawned and stretched, one of his arms landing _around her shoulder_. THWAK! Even though they weren't in Soul Society, Ise kept her fan on her at all times for self-defence purposes such as this one. Standing up, she pushed her glasses up. "Is that what the magazine taught you Taichou? If so, I suggest you never try it again. It doesn't work."

Whimpering from the blow he had received, the Captain grabbed his magazine and ran off to find another edition of this goldmine of information, hopefully one that would include more tips on seducing females. As he went off in search, Ise returned to her novel, only to be interrupted once again by a group of loud voices, who were arguing loudly about something.

"Why the hell did we come into this place Hitsugaya?"

"That's Hitsugaya _taichou_ you idiotic baboon, how many times do you have to be reminded?"

"Taichou, why are we in this place anyway?"

"Because I want to find some books."

"That's it?! Why the hell did we have to accompany a kid on his picture book shopping?"

As the small party came into view, Hinamori and Matsumoto could be seen restraining a seething white haired boy, while Rukia was dragging Renji away from the fuming child.

Ise stood up, annoyed. "You're supposed to be quiet in here." She said loudly. It wasn't a scream, because she just didn't do that sort of stuff, but it was said firmly and clearly, it was the tone of voice that everyone in the 8th Division obeyed, even the Captain.

The sound of her voice made Matsumoto look up. "Oh? Nanao! What a pleasure!" She released her Captain, running over to her fellow vice-captain. Hitsugaya, meanwhile, shook Hinamori off and went in pursuit of a certain redhead.

"Matsumoto-san, Hitsugaya taichou just went off and-"

"Oh never mind about him, how have you been?"

-

Renji ran through the maze of bookshelves, finally coming to a clearing, in which he found a figure in a pink flowery coat. "Kyouraku taichou!" He bowed respectfully then went to sit next to the drooling Captain, who appeared not to notice him at all, he was far too absorbed in the magazine in front of him. As Renji too sighted the contents of the magazines, he too began to drool, until Rukia's voice jerked him out of his daydreams.

"Oi Renji, what you doin' there?" Renji looked from her to the magazine in his hands, and the logo on the cover, a smile playing on his lips.

"We're looking at this… err… magazine on… _bunnies_" He pointed to the rabbit's head on the cover.

"REALLY?! A magazine on bunnies? These humans are awesome!" The thing that pushed him out of the way and grabbed the magazine as it fell to the ground did not resemble the quiet member of the noble Kuchiki family in the least. She opened the magazine expectantly, waiting to see what incredible news on bunnies there would be.

-

Matsumoto and Ise's conversation was cut short. "RENJI!!!" This was followed by the unmistakeable sound of a kick, and the sound of a body crashing into a wall. The two vice-captains ran over to the magazine section to check it out. Rukia was fuming, fists clenched. Kyouraku was looking surprised, yet another edition of the 'Bunny Magazine', as he had dubbed it, in his hand. The 6th Division vice-captain was lying face first on the ground, with a 'Renji-sized' indent in the wall behind him.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Rukia ignored Nanao's quiet pleas for her to calm down, pointing an accusing finger at Renji.

"Nee…? What did Abarai do Kuchiki-san?" Rukia pointed her finger at Kyouraku and the magazines scattered around him. "He had the… nerve to tell me that those magazines were about _bunnies_."

Nanao eyes bore into her Captain. "Did you tell him to do that Taichou?"

He shook his head, shocked at the accusation. "Me? My dear Nanao-chan... how could you even think that?" The glint from the squeaky clean glass windows at the front of the store caught his eye, and he decided to use some of his newfound knowledge from the 'Bunny Magazine'. Clearing his throat, he began. "Oh my, Nanao-chan, did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them…" THWAP! Once more the famous fan did its work, and Kyouraku landed in a heap next to Renji. Whimpering again, the Captain looked at the magazine still in his hands. "It didn't say that _that_ would happen!"

"Let's go Matsumoto-san, Kuchiki-san." Adjusting her glasses, the vice-captain walked away, followed by a still fuming Rukia.

Matsumoto, however, wasn't so keen on going just yet. "I wonder what's really in those magazines…?" She ran over and picked one up and flicked through it lightly. "Oh! All the people in these pictures look just like me!" She looked through another one, and another. The resemblance was startling. The blonde giggled as she looked through them. "Maybe I should give them to Taichou, as a reminder of me so he can take a flick through when I have to leave him to go on missions…" Making up her mind, the vice-captain picked up a handful and took them to the cashier.

"That will be… 5000 yen." Matsumoto scrounged about her pockets, looking for money, but could find none. Fortunately for her, (but perhaps not him), Hitsugaya came along and she noticed him.

"Taichou! Can you lend me some cash? I want to buy these magazines!"

Grunting, Hitsugaya pulled out the money needed and gave it to the cashier. His gaze passed over the magazines he was paying for. _Whatever they are, I hope they're not for Matsumoto, she doesn't need any more reasons to slacken on her work. They'd better be a present for someone else_. Oblivious to his vice-captain's plans, he walked out, having found to his displeasure that there had been no picture books to his liking. _Damn that Abarai, how'd he know I wanted to buy picture books…?_

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**Stuff:** Please ignore that pitiful excuse of a pick up line... I googled "pick up lines" and just picked one off the list... Anyway, hopefully I can be motivated to write a few more chapters to this little fic... 


	8. Sex Education

**Intro:** Hmm... The end part leans a bit towards the graphic side, sorry if it offends anyone, but it had to come that way.

This chapter is focused on a school day with Karin and Yuzu. They're having sex ed today. So, guess who the teacher will be?

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Bleach, would I be here writing FANfiction?

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Kurosaki Karin, and Kurosaki Yuzu. Who would imagine that they were sisters, let alone _twins_? The pair of them were as different as one could expect. One was a model daughter, taking over the role of the maternal figure in their departed mother's absence, quiet, calm although slightly clueless, while the other took after her brother, a hardened badboy who had bashed up every guy in her class more than once. But, they were twins, and consequently, were in the same class at school. That was where they were today, sitting in class, awaiting the arrival of their new teacher. 

Sex-ed had always been a touchy subject at home, because their father was a medical practioner, (one who belonged in the mental institute, but a doctor nonetheless), and well, he just didn't open up about the subject that much, proclaiming that it was too 'early for his precious daughter and the tomboy to learn of'. That remark had earned him a kick in the face from the 'tomboy'. Still, their school had no problems with enlightening their class to the powerful facts of life. All they needed was parents' permission. This would have been rather simple with most parents, but not with Kurosaki Isshin. Like aforementioned, he belonged in a mental asylum, so it was a bit more problematic to coax his permission out of him. In the end, the required signature was forged by an indifferent orange-haired brother, who really had no idea what his sisters were getting him to sign, heck, he didn't even know what year they were in.

Now, the two sisters were sitting in the room, waiting with bated breath, like their many classmates, for this new teacher to arrive. The previous teacher entrusted with this life-changing subject had taken a year-long holiday, due to 'stress' or some other ridiculous excuse, and a substitute had thankfully been arranged. Rumour had it that he was even bringing a life sized model for the children to learn from.

"Come ON! Stupid bitch. Hurry up, we're 3 seconds late as it is." A squeaky voice, difficult to determine whether it belonged to a man or a woman, was approaching the door. His colourful language sparked the interest of some of the more rebellious members of the class. No teacher who had adorned their sentences with these 'sentence enhancers' had ever proved to be dull. Unfortunately, they had proven to be short-lived, often losing their job for some unknown reason a few weeks after.

The door was flung open, and an abomination walked in. He looked _very_ out of place, with his white shirt, stained with what one would have _hoped_ was blood, but was actually something more sinister. Even stranger was his makeup. If it was a he, which most class members were still trying to figure out. He looked more like a clown, with the majority of his face painted black, and a skeletal white outline around it. Then there was his large, one-sided hat, which stuck out obnoxiously to the right. In his shadow, walked someone who the class was certain was a girl. If she wasn't, then the boys trying to get a glance up her abnormally short skirt would be in for a shock.

"Alright little brats. I'm Kurotsuchi Mayuri and I'm going to be your teacher for this sexual education crap." A few kids were now whispering amongst the rows of tables, sharing their impressions of this lunatic. Mayuri's enhanced ears caught onto every word. "You there! Who just said I looked like a freak, want me to dip you in a pot of acid?" The child in question froze, and paid much more attention than she had before.

"Um... Mayuri-sama, they're just chi-"

"Who the hell asked for your opinion, idiot? Now SHUT UP and don't EVER interrupt me like that again." He backhanded her forcefully across the face, slamming her into the blackboard. A few screams erupted from the class. "Now that goes for all of you little maggots, you hear?"

Mayuri looked at the textbook he was supposed to be teaching out of. Inside were various colourful diagrams, detailed and labelled so that he could teach efficiently. "What is this crap?" He threw the volume at Nemu, who obligingly let it smack into her before getting up and dropping it lightly into the bin. "Okay then, we'll start with the breasts. Because I just felt like doing it there. Nemu, in front of the desk now." As his daughter obediently positioned herself in front of Mayuri's desk, he screeched at her. "Not so that you BLOCK my view you idiot woman!" Nemu moved to the side, bowing and muttering her apologies. Mayuri was about to begin his demonstration when his eyes narrowed on two boys who were looking at something under the table. Mayuri howled, and his hand tugged at his ear, ripping a hook like appendage out. He flung it out, and it landed on the table, skewering the table and the games magazine beneath it. Their screams were drowned out by the teacher's own shouts. "DID I NOT TELL YOU TO PAY ATTENTION, YOU SCUM?!"

Now, everyone in the room was staring at Mayuri, out of fright, their eyes wide open and fearing what he would do next. "Now, the breasts. These come in all sorts of sizes, and strangely enough, shapes as well. Nemu here has a pathetically flat chest, but that's because otherwise she wouldn't be of much use with two watermelons bouncing around on her front. People with large breasts look something like this…" He nodded his head at Nemu, who blushed and hesitated, resting a hand on her chest. Mayuri lost his patience at this point. "Dammit woman! Get your mouth on there and BLOW before I come and do it myself! Stupid bitch." How he HATED his stupid daughter sometimes. It was no big deal, put her goddamn mouth on the hole and blow. He had designed her so that she could inflate her boobs. There had been no real reason behind it, the inventor had just been in the mood when he designed her upper body.

The class gasped and several boys started having nosebleeds as, before their eyes, Nemu's boobs grew, reaching Matsumoto-proportions within about 30 seconds. "Took you long enough, now let that air out before I barf." Okay, now the kids had seen the things, but they needed to be taught about them. "Does anyone know what those things are for then?" No one ventured an answer. "Dumbshits," he spat. "When a man and a woman have screwed each other and not been careful, they get a baby, you know, how each and every one of you maggots was spawned. That little thing needs to feed on something, so it sucks juice out from the breasts. That's basically what you need to know. Don't know why you really need to know though, most of you are still as flat as a surfboard. Hit puberty or something already." Mayuri's grumbling ended here though, as he had just discovered a wonderful testing opportunity. "Actually, for you little maggots, I have a special idea. I developed these artificial breasts some time ago, but haven't managed to test them yet. Easy to slip on, a whole range of sizes, from A to K, even variable, inflatable ones. Softness can vary from cushiony to metallic, and milk content can be customised as well. I'll bring a few in tomorrow or something. And you try them on." He wasn't giving them a choice in the matter. Especially the boys, since they weren't ever going to get them, they might as well invest in artificial ones.

"Um… Mayuri-sama… the lesson…"

"Shut up bitch! You think I don't know?"

"You sure don't act like you know." A deathly silence followed. Karin had stood up, pointing an accusatory finger at Mayuri. "What the HELL is wrong with you, you old freak? You abuse that girl like she's just some stuffed animal, and treat us like we're some sort of lab rats. What sort of a screwed up teacher are you?"

Yuzu tugged at her sister's pants, whispering for her to calm down. "Karin-chan, please calm down. Don't make the crazy man angry."

Mayuri's eyes narrowed, and his robotic arm shot out, grabbing a strand of Karin's hair and placing it in his mouth. "Hmm… Kurosaki… you're that orange headed bastard's sister?" He remarked after the DNA test was complete. "No wonder you're such a pain in the ass." Ignoring the outburst, as if it had never happened, Mayuri returned to his lesson.

"Nemu. Cervix. Now." Nemu climbed onto the table, rather uncomfortable with the situation. The rest of the sexual organs would require… well…

"I said… NOW!" The scientist angrily grabbed a hold of Nemu's skirt, ripping it off to reveal her bare legs and the said region that he was about to study. Members of the class could stare as their teacher examined his fingers, especially the middle finger on his right hand, which had a sinisterly long fingernail on it. Mayuri attached a small device to the fingernail, and then turned the projector in the classroom on. Half the class covered their eyes, the other half screamed when he plunged his middle finger into her body through the said organ. The screen crackled to life as the finger made its way up the system, capturing the insides of Nemu.

Mayuri cackled and began a long winded, horrifically detailed and gruesome report on the parts of the body and what role they had in sexual reproduction. He didn't stop there though. He was, after all, a genius madman. He also went on to explain the differences he had found in organs of different species that he had studied over the years, information that both bored and freaked out the children of the class. After a painful 3 hours, he withdrew his finger, and the class ended. Karin and Yuzu left the room silently at the end of the day, each guessing the other's thoughts. This was one day at school they were not going to forget, no matter how hard they tried.

"Karin-chan, what are we going to tell Daddy when he asks us about our day at school?"

"Nothing. We are not telling that bastard about this bastard."

"Then, we should probably make up something up to tell him shouldn't we?"

"You do it Yuzu, I want to ask Ichi-nii something." The freak and his fingernail had known her brother somehow. Did it have to do with the black robed version of her brother she often saw running around? Was that maniac… somehow connected with her brother? She had to find out.

Ichigo called out lazily when he heard the knock on his door that night. "Who is it?" When the knocker entered, Ichigo raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Karin eh? What do you want?"

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**Stuff: **Well? Comments, suggestions? Wasn't so sure about the ending, so, if it was too stupid, shoot me or something. Also, ideas for who to feature next, and as what, would be nice. Next might be... Byakuya, if I can get around to it. 


End file.
